The Friend Zone

The boogeyman, the cooties, Bloody Mary, the monster in the closet,ect. What do all of these things have in common? They are nothing more than amorphous imaginary beings and anomalies that are used by adults to frighten children into behaving. I remember when I was little and it was getting late my grandmother would tell me when it gets dark a monster comes out. As soon as it got a hint of dark I was out b. None of these things actually exist, but utter the word "The Friendzone" to a grown ass man and you will see a look of pure terror on his face that is almost bone chilling. But unlike many of our childhood horror stories full of monsters and scary places, the friend zone is fuckin real b.

Friend Zone(noun)- A deep dark abysmal hell of another dimension that a man is banished to by a woman where there is no possibility for romance nor the vagina and the chances of him being set free are nearly impossible.

You already know that we live in a world that is purely ran on thirst. Woman can have sex anytime, any place, and anywhere they want. They know this. It is scientifically proven that a woman knows whether or not she will have sex with a man in the first 30 seconds. 30 fuckin seconds b. I cant even come in the door, take off my coat, and put the fuckin keys on the table in 30 seconds. When a man likes a woman he wants to express his feelings by entering her walls. Plain and fuckin simple. This is natural. It is embedded in our genetic code. For woman its not that simple. The female brain cannot posses this logic. It comes with an onslaught of complex emotions and unnecessary formalities. The end result? Its easier for chicks to place men into the category as friends, and you thirsty savages out there commenting on every single pic she post at rapid speeds makes it easier.

For a women a male best friend is the best of both worlds. She can reap all the benefits of having a man around (needs her flat tire changed, sink fixed, strength, decision making, ect) without the pressures of sex. She will use your credit card to rent a car then pick up her boyfriend and fuck him in it while its parked right outside your window b. Your either a lover or a friend b. And once you have been banished to the friend zone their is no coming back..... or is there? Being the fact that I'm all about enlightenment and dropping lucrative knowledge to the streets I will show you what are the indicators that you are in the friend zone and how to escape. Yes escape. I'm talking about some Tim Robbins shawshank redemption dig a tunnel under the prison totally undetected type of shit.

YOU ARE JUST A FRIEND IF

-She tells you that you are a "nice" guy. It really translates into " your a man that is husband material but I'm so fucked up mentally that I like men who abuse me, fucks my friends, and treat me like shit, and I need you there as someone to talk to when things go wrong"

-She tells you about the guys she fucked

-When you actually make a move and she tells you "I dont want to jeopardize our friendship"

-If she does not correct her typos on a text message

-You go to kiss her on the cheek and she almost snaps her fuckin neck making sure her lips are as far away as possible from yours

-YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE VAGINA!


WAYS TO ESCAPE THE FRIENDZONE

alcohol

Now this right here is a game winning touchdown pass in a bottle b. A bottle of patron will have you out of the friend zone 30 min flat and right into greener pastures. Several sips of this and she wont feel bad for giving you the vagina. She will just blame it on the bottle and her inability to make proper judgement. It cant be E&J, five star, absolute, smirnoff or any of those other poverty liquids. Only top shelf.

Make her jealous

Put her in the friend zone. It confuses them. Remember when screech tried for many years to get at Lisa on saved by the bell ,but she wasnt having that. Then Violet came along and he didnt like Lisa anymore. Well thats when shit got real. Women are the most insecure and unstable creatures on this planet. They love attention. Better yet they feed on it. I know like 5 of hottest chicks in the city maybe even the state, and guess what... they all say each other is ugly. coincidence? Fuck no b. Show your attention to another chick and post a picture on facebook of you on a date having fun, and as soon you release the upload button shes texting you at rapid speeds. Women hate not being the root of your happiness. She will give you the vagina just to proclaim her position in the pack.


Make her laugh

If you can make a girl laugh then there is no reason why you cant make her cheat on her boyfriend. Having the power to make a girl laugh is like having the all weapons cheat on grand theft auto b. Your almost unstoppable. If she text you three wink smiley faces in a row you are playing a game of monopoly and she just landed on Pennsylvania Avenue and you got it stacked with hotels. Now she has to mortgage all her property b. You can always gauge how close you are on getting out of the friend zone by the type of "lol's" she uses on text messages or on facebook.

lol= she kinda likes you but does not know how to make it known yet

lmao= what you said really made her laugh, and now you have her undivided attention

lmfao!= The year is 1988 and her vagina is soaring above the sky waiting for you to jump from the free throw line like MJ and slam that shit.

Any additional exclamation points or o's at the end will indicate that the thirst has reached uncharted heights

Fellas do not get caught in the friend zone. Shit is real out b. I would love to stay and elaborate more but I gotta get back to the grind. I need a new Corvette for the summer time and you already know time is money. Yall be cool how yall be cool. Oh and remember, If she quotes Marilyn Monroe chances are shes a hoe. I'm out