First of all, I would like to apologize to my fans. I know I've been away for quite some time now and have not had a chance to reach out to y'all. Life is hard on these mean cold streets of the D, especially when you have a struggling computer that freezes and reboots every 5 seconds, and no cable dog. But no need to worry, I have reemerged from these dark alleys and I'm back with a vengeance. I'm here to slander and chew bubble gum and I'm fresh out of bubble gum b. For those who dont know me, I go by the name JR, but I'm known on these dot coms as one of Facebook's most intelligent and diabolical loud mouths: The Slander King. Welcome to Slanderville. A place where the women have pretty feet with manicured toes and are STD free.
Now, as we all know, summer is in full effect. Dirty flip flops and dusty wife beaters roam free. Gas prices are at an all time high, and the weed man is no longer making nickel bag deliveries. Everybody is texting and accessing the internet on their touchscreens. We now live in the age of technology, and social networking has reached new found heights. Social networking has made a quantum leap in this era. It can be used for many things; you can reconnect with old friends, network with various businesses, sell fake Jordans, post fake model pictures that you've paid for, and even make money. The new american dream right? But what people do not know is that there is a much darker and sinister movement going on right under our nose. It's called the thirst....
For those who are totally lost, the thirst is the sneaky, extremely desperate, diabolical way an individual uses to gain the attention of the opposite sex in hopes of fornication. This can happen to anyone at any moment. Many times it goes completely undetected. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the thirst is real out here and it has made its way to your computer screens. The thirst has been known to cause a human to do many strange things. You've got chicks sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night to see ex boyfriends, and niggas out here fuckin strippers in the back room for a slight fee. You even have engaged couples sneaking off for a nut as soon as their fiance goes to walmart to look for a 5 dollar movie in the DVD crate. I mean this shit is real. Being the fact that I'm all about enlightenment and giving lucrative information to the streets, I'm going to give y'all a crash course on the thirst and how to spot it on the internet.
Facebook is a battleground for some of the most epic acts of thirst one will ever witness. I'm not talking about your average entry level thirst. I mean straight, all weapons cheat, grand theft auto thirst. Now one of the first thirst tactics someone will encounter is called the "open thirst". It is one of the easiest ways to spot out of all the levels of thirst. It's right there, smack in your face, like the big chick who liked you in school and would try to intercept you in the hallway, that you could see all the way from your locker. Many forms of open thirst are usually comments, texts messages, and inboxes that state the evident: "I want you and I want you now."
Now, in the next level of thirst tactics, you have what I like to call "undercover thirst." It's usually a tactic that seems harmless but carries much more intent. Now to the untrained thirsty eye, a simple "LoL" means laughing out loud, but to a thirst veteran, it simply means "Hey do u notice me? This can possibly be yours!" Some call this the sneakiest and the oldest thirst trick in the book. Another one can be liking of comments and pictures. Any person that likes at least 3 or more of your statuses a day is basically trying to get your attention from the 8th floor window without anyone passing by noticing. If you just accepted someones friend request, and they immediately like your statuses, their genitals are on your front porch in a UPS package with signature confirmation. You've gotta be careful though, because anyone that likes a status that is too old, or a picture from an album over a year ago, will most likely sit on a tree outside of your house with a pair of binoculars.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. This is when the thirst booby traps are set out. A tactic primarily used by thirst veterans. Thirst booby traps are statuses or text messages that seem innocent but carry malicious intent. Examples are: The "good morning" status, "I'm so bored" status, "what's going on later" status, "what are you doing tonight" text, ect. Another thirst booby trap is the mobile upload thirst. This type of thirst trap is like making your own player on madden, and having all of their attributes and 99 percent accross the board. If used right, it will create epic waves of thirst amongst others, kind of like mind control. Chicks are notorious for this. One simple upload of a bikini picture at two in the afternoon, and niggas forget all responsibilities at work and sprain their index finger hitting the comment button.
I hope this quick little crash course will aid you in some form of fashion. I hope all of you enjoy the remainder of your summer and dont become a victim of "When the thirst goes wrong." Well, I've got to get out of here and hit up the gas station to get a lucy with a Welch's grape juice. Y'all be safe out here and until next time.
Oh, and remember if she has old dirty dishes in her bedroom, she possibly has an STD.
